Saturday, January 29, 2011

Toast to the Laddies

Here's how the men were insulted:

-----, thank you so much for that heartfelt toast to women – I suppose I can’t complain, after hearing that, that men aren’t communicative enough.

But now it’s time for you to listen. So, I will try to use small words and short sentences, in the hope that your wee capacities won't be unduly challenged. I am not prejudiced – some of my best friends are men! So. Pay attention now.

Women say men don’t listen, don’t communicate, are insensitive, and are a bunch of numpties. When you’re talking about Scottish men, you have to add that they are also famous for not wearing the pants in the house.

I must say, as a liberal Californian, that I am most appreciative of your attempts at solidarity with us women.

But, I realized, after reflection, that these complaints about men probably don’t apply to some of you seminarians. In this enlightened age, you gather together in your psychological seminars to discuss your inner feelings – sometimes you even find and embrace your inner woman…so to speak… I bet Robert Burns would have enjoyed that. (I hope you do, too.)

Now, I’ve been told that the purpose of this toast is to draw some flattering comparisons between you, seminarians, and the poet Robert Burns.

It is difficult to know where to begin.

From the portraits, it appears that Burns was a fairly handsome man… so that's out.

It also appears that Burns was somewhat intelligent. Now, the erudition of men never ceases to stun me. Men have such a head for history, dates, and times. It’s rather odd that they can never remember anniversaries or birthdays. In any case, I remember one man telling me about the Black Death. I’d thought it had something to do with trade lines. But no. As this man said: “You see…The Catholics killed all the witches and their cats. Because the cats did not keep the rat population in check, the Black Death was able to REALLY spread.” I never knew that.

I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it...

So here goes: Bless your hearts! Except for those areas of personal hygiene, looks, and intelligence, you laddies are within a short caber toss of average.

Here's to you, laddies!

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